Rhode Island Half 2008

I went into this race relaxed and with only one goal - not go to the hospital. In that respect, it was a success.

I was in New Jersey most of last week for work, so I left from there on Saturday with my parents. Providence is normally a 4 hour drive from where we live, but there's always traffic, and can take much longer. The logistics of this race were pretty annoying. Check-in was in Providence. Start and T1 was 45 miles in the opposite direction at the beach, and we had to rack our bikes the day before. Our hotel was back in Providence. Lots of driving, regardless of traffic. The GWB cost us an hour. Then we spent another hour muddling along through Connecticut. It was a terribly stressful drive and we didn't get to Providence until almost 5.

Bikes were supposed to be racked by 6, and we didn't even get down there til shortly after that time. Conveniently, my brand new wheels have been acting really gay lately, not accepting air, not keeping air. I blame the people that glued my tires on. So I had to call my friend Joe up before he left Maryland and ask him to bring me a spare wheel.

I ran into a few people I know from the homestead, notably Brian Shea (coach/owner of Personal Best Nutrition), Scott DeFilippis, Mr. Drury and Mr. Dorgan. We also ran into Spider at transition. The NJ crew all tried to find dinner for the evening near the beach, but every place we tried was too crowded. Finally we gave up and headed our separate ways. The GPS voice told us there was a pizza place a few miles away so we looked for it. To our surprise it was now a randomly nice restaurant, and it was a great find. We made it back to Providence around 10pm, just enough time to shower and head to bed.

I woke up at 4:30 the next morning, and planned on leaving at 5 to arrive at transition around 5:45. The pro wave went first at 6:00, but my wave was last at 7:05. Near the start we stopped at Dunkin' Donuts, which was a terrible idea as it lost us 15 minutes. Alyssa calls me at 5:48, asking if I'm on my way cause they are closing transition. I ask what time, she says technically 3 minutes ago, but definitely by 6. Oh shit. I haul ass, get numbered, get to my bike, tire is completely flat. Phone is in the car, how am I going to find Joe? I run around the beach and parking lot, and magically find him. Swap wheels. Now I need to find my dad to drop off my wheel and I had also forgotten the rubber bands that keep the aero water bottle in place. Magically find him on the beach.

The race had started at this point, and just after I got everything squared away they closed the transition area. Phew. Now I had some time to breathe, get into the wetsuit, stand on the beach watching the waves crash on the shore. The dance beats were bumping in the background. Water temp was around 70, which would have been okay for no wetsuit, but there was no point in NOT wearing it. I started pretty slow, just getting out through the waves. The tide was going out, so it was actually fairly easy on the 900m trip straight out. We banged a left, went 100m across, and then turned, with the waves but against the outgoing tide, for the final 900m.

I came out of the water and was really comfortable, having swam a decent 30:45 (190th). I made my way through transition and onto the bike, where I started flying north with a tailwind. The first 15 miles were super fast, and I thought at that rate I'd ride 2hours. Unfortunately we turned into the wind, and it simultaneously got really hilly. No more flat roads, just ups and downs. The hills weren't bad, but it was easier to power through out of the saddle. Mile 45 was a bigger hill, and then the last 7 or 8 miles were really dodgy. Lots of tight turns, lots of people and lots of water bottles on the ground. I shut it down, not willing to take risks, and saved the legs for the run. Bike split was 17th best of the amateurs, 31st including the pros at 2:23:03 (23.5mph).

Got into T2, went through pretty quick and got onto the run well. Much different story from a month ago. A half mile in we were hit with the toughest hill I've ever experienced in a race. I still managed a 6:36 first mile, and dropped to 6:20 on the second. The course was at least visually appealing, even though it was pretty much an out-and-back that we did twice. It also meant we had to run down the super steep hill, which was harder than going up. I was still going okay by the halfway point, but was starting to tighten up. I can't figure it out. The second trip up the hill was tough, and then came the walking. I couldn't get rid of a stomach cramp, and my body felt broken. I made it to mile 11 finally and was able to "run" the last two miles, but I had slowed down so much it wasn't even funny.

Ultimately I ran a 1:50:56, good enough for 270th best run. That's the first time my swim outranked my run. That blows. It's particularly difficult to get passed by people you know shouldn't be passing you. I guess that's the cruel nature of the sport. I just don't understand why I keep having these problems. In my head I know I'm one of the fastest open runners at any triathlon, and one of the best cyclists. I do hundred mile rides like it's my job and knock out crazy long runs. Therein lies my problem - I do them separately. I used to be at my best when I was doing 2 bricks a week, and lifted a lot. I need to bring those back. There also would seem to be something going on with my nutrition. I think I really need to take a lot more salt during the race. I sweat like a 300lb fat kid. I take on water, but it's not holding.

So whatever, I was pleased to finish this time a lot better than I had done a month ago, had I just held my first half pace on the run I would have finished in the top 15 of amateurs. Scott DeFilippis finished 3rd with a great race, in his third attempt at the distance this YEAR. Spider, away from the half distance for 7 years, had the fastest run of the DAY and an overall great race, finishing 22nd and picking up the age group slot for Clearwater. I was 106th in 4:49:09, which was two hours better than Eagleman but still 30min slower than where it should have been.

Of course I had to wait around with him because a) he didn't have his wallet so I had to pay for him to register on the spot for the Clearwater race and b) he needed a ride back to the race start. It was a long day, I got a little sunburned again. Then we ate dinner and headed home, not getting back to NJ until 1am. It was a long, long weekend.

Summer

It's no secret that I love the summer. I crave it's warmth, long days and motivation.

At the same time, it always comes with a hint of disappointment, even before it starts. I always start off and think, "wow, this summer is going to be great. I'm going to do nothing, every weekend. Absolutely nothing." Then of course reality sets in, and I realize I have no weekends free until August. It's race, after race, after race and too many weddings. Even today I finally accepted that June is almost over.

This means that the longest days have come to pass, and the days will only get shorter and the weeks will only go faster. I really do enjoy the days that it stays light out til 9. In most places in Europe right now, it's light out until after 10, or even later. People just hang out all night, nobody watches TV, of course nobody does any physical activity either. It wouldn't be a lifestyle I would care for at this point, but I do wish we here in the States would stay out a little later during the week, start work a little later, take life a little less seriously from time to time.

Since Friday, I've run 60 miles. It's one of the longest weeks I've had in years, and it was comprised of 6 straight runs: 11, 5, 16, 7, 12 and 9. 33 of the miles came on the trails. During this time I didn't ride my bike at all, and only swam twice. I'm amazed at how beat I am after this amount of running. I definitely need to accept this as a normal week as I prepare for the marathon this fall.

Tonight I made it to my Thursday Night Ride, which is one of my favorite activities during the summer. Hard to believe it's my fourth summer doing this ride, and it's nice to see the familiar faces if but once a week. Since we had as much daylight as we were going to have, we did a longer ride, checking out some new roads in the process. It was a good ride, albeit very warm. Well over 90 degrees, and it just crushed me. I was glad to see I had more power left at the end of the ride than I did last week, when I was crawling.

I'm going to look to get in the pool tomorrow morning and hit our usual Friday afternoon trail run, followed by a bbq and one of the few nights I am planning on going out. Saturday I'll try and ride a little and run following the Dreaded Druid Hills race, and then it's baseball time in DC. Sunday is another Patapsco long run and hopefully an easy ride in the afternoon. Then I plan on taking it easy until Thursday, when I'll set up a good 4-5 days of riding and then recover leading up to Rhode Island Half IM.

But, I'm also going to try and enjoy the summer before Labor Day rears its ugly head.

2008 George Sheehan Classic

The George Sheehan Classic is a 5 mile foot race in my home town of Red Bank, New Jersey. Its origins, as far as I know, go back to when it was the Asbury Park 10k. Then Asbury became a not-so-desirable place to do anything other than drugs, and the race moved to Red Bank. It remained a 10k until I'd say about 15 years ago, when residents of one of the asshole towns the race passed through pitched a fit and the race was adjusted to its current distance of 5 miles.

Also, the race used to be held in August. When I was in high school, we would volunteer at the race, so I never ran it in the event until 1999, when I used it to show off my 60+ mile training weeks as I headed to college. I managed to run 29:09 I believe, which was my first 5 mile race. For me, it was a great result. I think I may have done worse in 2000, when I had something weird going on with me that summer (a result of giving blood the week prior to the race no doubt). I missed the event in 2001 as I was in Australia. 2002 I got back on track, running 28:49, which is still my course best. In 2003 the race was just a week after I broke my ankle, so I was obviously not able to compete, and I don't think I did it in 2004 either.

Then they moved the race to June. I was never too sure why they did this, but it had a significant impact on the race's attendance. It used to pull 4000 people and if you didn't break 29 you weren't in the top 100. All of a sudden the majority of times were slower, although the winners stayed the same as there was some money and a few foreigners would come and drop 23 lows. I know 2007 I had a bad race and ran 29:06. 2006 was a good year, as I ran 28:56 or something. 2005 I was just getting back to racing that year and went 30:30. This year I was hoping to run a course best.

Over the four years now that they've held the race in June, it's gotten worse and worse. This year there were no foreign athletes and the winning time was 25:34. 3rd-5th were 27:09-27:30. That's terrible. Apparently they took the money away from the race. Then, it used to have a great expo down at Marine Park, and a post-race food assortment that rivaled any race. Now it's no longer the case. Small expo, not in the parking lot but rather on a small plot of grass, not much to offer in terms of food. Only maybe 2000 people in the race. I realize that's still a lot, but a far cry from the old days.

It saddens me, this being my hometown race I just want to see it thrive like it did in the old days. The race is run in honor of Dr. George Sheehan, a runner and author, who is known among the running circles as a great man. He just happens to be from my town.

Anyway, I was able to tell the competition was not here this year just by looking around. It didn't stop a ton of old people from lining up in front of me. Who do these people think they are? I noticed to my left that a man, looked older, was knocked down and trampled at the start. That's what you get. Personally I wasn't expecting much. With my body still reeling from Eagleman, and my first run just the day before - I figure 6 minute pace would be nice but if it was too hard I would just chill out. Also, my right foot started hurting again during the run at Patapsco on Friday, which is now worrying me.

I start running, annoyed that I'm stuck behind slow people, and it's about 200-300m before I find some open real estate. I start picking off a few people, and then catch up to a large group. I felt really comfortable but had no idea how fast or slow I was running. I was surprised to see my watch at 5:38 at the first mile. I continued to stay comfortable, and actually felt like I was moving along pretty well. The second mile is flat, then a little downhill and then back uphill. I was not handling any uphills very well, and came through mile 2 in 5:49. Mile 3 is all flat. I was feeling decent now, the effort wasn't killing me but I also wasn't getting faster. 5:55 mile. So I was at 17:22 or so at 3 miles. I would have been happy ending the race there.

Mile 4 is largely through a neighborhood. Not that the two compare, but this is my version of Hawaii's Natural Energy Lab. The neighborhood just sucks so much energy out of me. Lots of turns and chicanes, and then you come back out on Ridge Rd, going against a sea of slower runners, and you're running towards a hill. Mile 4 was 6:18, my worst neighborhood mile ever. I was dead going into Tower Hill, and felt like I was walking up it. Fortunately, I recovered and tried my legs out about 800m from the finish.

I could tell I wasn't going to have much, at this point I was just trying to hang on. I saw my parents and Vic at the corner as I turned onto Broad Street, and from that point there is less than a quarter mile to the finish. Just a straight shot, drag race style. Normally I would go into a furious sprint, but my legs wouldn't respond today. I "let" a few people go by me, and settled for 18th male/22nd overall in 29:44.95. No course best for me today, which is slightly disappointing. I did manage to hold off Maggie Guiney (30:03) and put it down on Jeremy Pilkington, although I think he's hurt.

The weather was alright, not very windy, humid, close to 80. Weird though, my body hasn't seemed to like the heat much this week, and 80 felt like the same as Eagleman. My right foot was alright, not sure how that works, but my left foot got blistered up from no socks. Time for some new shoes too. Positive side-note, me and Beez Nuts (my sister) took 2nd in the sibling-sibling contest for the 2nd straight year.

So I'm frustrated that 29:45 gets me 22nd at this race, Kootman ran 26:40 once and got 22nd I think. I love this race so much but unless it does something to get better, I don't know where its future is headed. It has to get most of the race paid for through sponsors. so I don't know why they can't put on a good race. I'll see what happens for 2009, as it will be the week after Eagleman again I'm sure.

Another thing I've been thinking about is that I can't believe I moved from NJ 3 years ago. This is my fourth June in Baltimore and that just seems crazy to me. Sometimes I think about how little I've actually accomplished in that time here, but really I've come pretty far considering this time in 2005 I was just getting back to racing. Of course, I did run a 30:30 then, so the fact I only ran :45 faster this year is a blow, even if I did have an excuse.

Revised 2009 Race Schedule

Well, I went a little crazy today, signing up for a few more races. My credit card is tired, and needed a break - otherwise I would have gone for a few more. Anyway, here's the new revised schedule:

6/14: George Sheehan Classic 5 Miler (Red Bank)
7/12: Belmar 5
7/13: Amica Rhode Island Half Ironman
7/19: Rockville Twilight 8k
7/27: NJ State Triathlon
8/24: Chicago Triathlon
9/1: Bay Cafe 5k
9/6: Lancaster Triathlon
9/7: Annapolis Triathlon
9/21: Philly Distance Run
9/27: Bull Run Reunion Run
10/12: Terp Trot 5k
11/2: NYC Marathon

I am still quasi-on the fence about Chicago. I found a pretty cheap flight and could probably stay with someone, but it looks like BG might come to visit that weekend and also I could do without going out there. However, I did have a goal of 8 tris in 08, so I need to backfill. Might do a Set Up Event in August then. On the other hand, I could use August weekends for long runs. Hmm, what to do?

I am still psyched on the double weekend in September, which I was supposed to do last year. If I can find a few XC races in October, I'll do those, because those won't affect a long run. After NYC, probably do a few more little things but these are the big ones.

Eagleman: Why?

It wasn't like the heat surprised me on Sunday morning, I knew it was going to be hot. I felt like this whole year has prepared me for adverse conditions, although it's much easier to have to deal with sudden, extreme cold than sudden, extreme heat. I woke up before my alarm on Sunday, at 3:55 a.m., and by 4:30 I was in the car, driving the 35 minutes from Salisbury to Cambridge. I parked and lugged my gear down to transition. The weird thing was, I was not nervous at all, which almost never happens. For as much pressure as I had on myself to do well here, I felt completely relaxed. Maybe it was the change of venue from the normal haunts (Columbia, New Jersey, etc), or maybe it was the fact this race is so much longer than normal, and success hinges more on pace than pure speed.

Either way I felt good about the day, and felt like I was properly fueled leading up to the swim. They made the announcement around 6 am that the water temp was 76 degrees. To me, this is the gray area that I always wish against. At 78 and above, wetsuits are illegal for all athletes. Below this and they are allowed. At 76 degrees, for a 1.2 mile swim, that's a lot of extra heat you're generating (because you do sweat when you swim) and I am never sure what to do. Despite being a mediocre swimmer, I would prefer that wetsuits weren't allowed, even if it's going to hurt me more than the swimmers. It speeds up transition and I don't get as hot. Anyway, we get in the bath water that is the Choptank River, and after 7 years of racing, I was finally able to pee in my wetsuit. It was so gross, but I had to do it.

In some years, the Choptank lives up to its name, producing whitecaps and making for very difficult swims. Others years, like 2007, it's like glass and the swim times are very quick. This year the water didn't look bad, but you could see the current moving swiftly, largely against the way we'd be swimming. As we rounded the first buoy, I could feel the current working against me. I stayed comfortable, and steadily moved up through the field, but I felt like I was out there for a really long time. This was confirmed when I exited the swim in 33:14. Everyone was slow, but this was particularly slow. I lost considerable time to my main age group competitors, but was still 18/60ish in the age group and 274/1300ish in the race.

My transition was terrible. I couldn't get my wetsuit off, and I was flustered. I discovered that in my clothes changing process from the morning I had put my singlet on inside out, which meant I couldn't access the little pockets. In my haste, I decided to leave my salt pills behind. To call this the day's biggest mistake would be an understatement. I got to work fairly quick on the bike, and was feeling good. My cadence was high and I was in a pretty big gear, so without a computer I knew I was going quick. Around mile 20 I decided that only having to ride 5 more miles would be more fun than 36 more.

My water store was depleted, so at the 20ish mile water stop I grabbed a bottle and dumped it into my aero bottle. Did the same about 10 miles later. I was managing to eat my little packets of Gu, but I didn't feel like I even needed calories, I was losing something else - sodium. I didn't feel like I was losing power, and I felt alright when I saw the crew at mile 45. Two miles later I was rendered useless on the side of the road, with a right quad muscle seizing up so intensely I thought I was going to have to drop out. I waited a few minutes for it to get better, then soft pedaled to the finish. My time was 2:28:38, a far cry from the 2:15 goal and even the 2:20 worst case scenario I had planned for. Amazingly, it was still the 10th fastest in the group, 123rd overall, and off the bike I was now in 9th in my age group. My second transition wasn't bad, I took two salt pills right away and went onto the run feeling strong.

The original goal was 1:19, or right around 6:03 pace. My cardiovascular effort on the bike was not taxing, and I started out well running. Unfortunately for me, the damage of nutrient imbalance was irreversible, and no matter what I did I was not coming back from it. A half mile into the run I was seizing up again, my body just stopped functioning. I was relegated to jog, cramp, walk. It took 36 minutes to go the first 3 miles, and only got worse from there. You may not fully understand how humiliating it is to be one of the faster runners at any given race and be hit so hard that you have to walk. I continued walking, in the brutally hot sun. The air temp was 100 degrees, and the road surface was around 115. I took fluids at every water stop, thank God for them, but it was too little too late. I was over an hour at the turnaround, and then just slowed to a crawl. My body was furious at me, and was showing the outward signs of severe dehydration. Cold, tingly fingers, delirium, stumbling. I was praying for a familiar face, someone to have better judgment and pull me out.

I kept walking, and finally got to 3 miles to go and saw the crew again. I was deflated at this point and wanted to stop. They forced me to keep going. I mustered up a slow jog with 200m to go just so I didn't walk across the finish line. My "run" time was 3:40, or 16:45/mile. My finishing time was 6:47, again, nowhere near the original goal.

People have told me they were impressed by what I did, continuing on, but I am not. It was stupid. I suffered so much, and am sunburned so badly I still can't move. It was definitely not worth it, and I wish I had stopped. The people who weren't reduced to walking were impressive. The people who had amazing races despite the weather were impressive. My friend Matias won the amateur division and was 9th overall in the same time as he did last year. His run was 6 minutes slower but his bike was 7 minutes faster, and his swim was a little slower but in "real" time we'll say it was faster.

As I looked at the results, had I even been able to muster up a 1:40 half, I could have placed 4th or 5th in the age group. Not good enough for the Hawaii slot, but probably would have picked up a slot to Clearwater. I'm glad I don't have to do an Ironman this year, it's clear that I am not ready for it yet. I'm hoping to recover by this weekend and I'm considering jumping into the Rhode Island half Ironman that is slated for July 13th. I don't really want to do another so soon, but I feel like I need to get in another attempt at the distance this year and I don't know when else I could.

So it was about the worst possible day I could ever have, I appreciate everyone's support and concern in my quest, and everyone that came out to watch really helped. I'm not interested in having a decent race, I had a goal, tried to stick to it and got burned. It happens, and hopefully next time won't yield a similar result.

The Final Countdown: Saturday

I woke up this morning and decided to take my time moving around. My intention was to leave around 8, get to Cambridge by 9:30, ride for an hour, do my stuff and chill out. I didn't leave until well after 10, and it was already seering outside. Super hot, super humid. The fog at the Bay Bridge was absurd. I got out to Cambridge and it was considerably cooler. I did all my stuff, definitely a different experience from Columbia, although every pre-race like this is familiar in some way. I ran into my buddy Matias and we chatted for a while as we picked up our numbers. I then headed back over to transition and dropped off my bike. Everything feels good, we'll see how it goes tomorrow.

I then drove the 30 minutes to Salisbury, my home for the evening. Emily, Bryan and I spent most of the afternoon inside either the hotel or restaurants, as it was too hot to do anything else. Finally around 8:15 I went for my shakeout run. I decided against riding today, as there was generally no need to exert myself anymore than necessary, or further dehydrate myself. I'm reminded of Lance Armstrong's 2003 time trial meltdown and so I am erring on the side of caution. It's certainly not going to help me win the race. But I did do a very short, very slow shakeout run. I felt terrible, which I actually don't mind. I'd rather feel terrible right now than awesome. Awesome means something's wrong.

It is going to be a tough day tomorrow. Temps today were in the high 90s, feeling like 103. Tomorrow's expected highs in Baltimore and DC are 97 and 99, respectively, and out here probably about 95. The surface temp of the road is going to be hot enough to melt my shoes. I've tried to go with as many light colors as possible. If I think I need to drink, I should drink twice as much. I've got salt tabs. I guess I'm ready as I'll be.

Here we go!

The Countdown: Friday

Late is the hour of my post. I worked from home today, which was probably a good idea as I would have melted getting in and out of the car. Around 7 I headed up to Performance Bikes to get a last minute trinket for my bike: a crappy basic computer. Originally priced at $49.99, it was marked down to $19.99. Then I saw the Polar CS200, same as I have on my road bike, for a considerable discount (but still $120). I briefly considered purchasing it, but I think I'm going to get a new watch and just use that for my Cervelo. I don't know yet. Regardless, I headed down to the pool afterwards and got in a short little swim set. I felt pretty good, rolled through a 600 warmup, then a 50-100-200-100-50 "main" set and then cooled down. It was a nice evening to swim.

I went from there over to Nick's house, via the Square. It was off the chain. So many hot chicks. It's days like this that I get jealous of normal people that don't spend their weekends racing.

Nick helped me with a few things on my bike, and then I returned home. I finally headed out for a run around 10pm. I realized that even though I didn't need the run, I needed to run, for sanity's sake. My foot felt alright, as I would hope it would after 3 straight days of no running. I do feel a little heavy, and need to make sure I'm conscious of what I eat tomorrow. I was running pretty slow, headed down to Boston St and then picked up the bricks behind Tindeco. Came back out on Boston, and went up O'Donnell through the Square. For the uphill mile through Canton I picked it up, and while the legs felt good, the humidity was crushing, even at the late hour. I managed to comfortably roll a 5:50, but realized that I wouldn't be able to hold that pace for more than a few miles. As much as I want to just start out at 6:00 pace on Sunday (well, want and able to are two different things), I may be a little more conservative at first. It's supposed to be quite warm (see: high 80s) and the sun will be strong.

I'm planning on getting up around 6:30 tomorrow, have a few things to do before I can leave, run through the final checklist, and then I'll be off. I'll get out to Cambridge and ride my bike until I feel warmed up, so about an hour to hour-fifteen I guess. It's funny how you lose motivation to do anything before a big event like this. Then I'll meet Emily and Bryan for lunch in Salisbury, check into the hotel, and maybe go for 4-5 miles easy, and stretch. HYDRATION is super important tomorrow, as will be rest.

I am considering bringing my laptop so if I do I'll check in tomorrow.

The Countdown: Thursday

It was another warm day today, I'll be much happier if it just stays like this for the next few days. Maybe it will be so hot that there won't be any wind, which would be great on the bike and swim, and I'd deal with it on the run. They're calling for high 80s on Sunday, so you've got to figure that by 9:45-10:00, when I'm running, it's going to be toasty.

Taking yesterday off seemed to help a little bit. I was definitely tired, from what I don't know, but it probably worked out for the best. I got home a little after 6 today and Nick came over to ride around 6:45. We headed out Route 40 to White Marsh Blvd, then took Eastern Ave back home through Middle River and Essex. I haven't been on my bike since last Wednesday, and my legs felt great. They felt fresh, but I avoided the urge to crush it, as I would like to keep them feeling fresh the next few days. More importantly, my foot felt alright as I pedaled. It hurt a little when I stood, but I shouldn't have to stand too much on Sunday.

It was an easy 30 miles, and I got home and felt good enough to run. That's a good sign. I did not run, but I'm pretty sure my body will remember what to do on Sunday and I think I'll be able to get into the low 6 minute range off the bat. To me, the faster the better, I'd rather blow up then go out too conservatively.

Prognosis now looks good, I didn't take any ibuprofen today, I don't plan on taking any tomorrow unless I absolutely need to. I have only been drinking water the whole week, no Coke or iced tea. Probably eat pretty light over the next few days, try to keep the liquids up and rest and stretch.

For the week, I only missed Tuesday's planned run and yesterday's planned ride. I expect to swim tomorrow morning and then run at some point tomorrow, might try to get out in the hot part of the day for a minute.

The Countdown: Wednesday

The end result of today is that I'm no further along than I was yesterday. I wound up taking the day off, fueled partly by being tired and partly due to the nasty storm that rolled through around 4 o'clock. It really didn't stop, so I didn't get to the pool, and wasn't riding my rollers today. It was hot and humid, and I was melting. Not a good sign for Sunday.

The foot feels mildly better, but it's very tight. I'm still taking ibuprofen. I need to try and run tomorrow, and if possible, get out on my bike.

Keeping me going have been all the messages wishing me the best for the race, and believe it or not, a few fun blog posts by Chuckie V, whose blog I read. I like his perspective, it's an old school POV from one of the pros with the most flair in the sport. I hate that the WTC (Ironman governing body) refers to half-Ironmans as "Ironman 70.3" now. 70.3 of course represents the distance, in miles, of the race. I guess it's pretty easy to say, but it sounds dumb. Just say half-Ironman.

On Potential

70.3

The Single Worst Thing About Triathlon

I'll be back with tomorrow's update, we've only got tomorrow, Friday and Saturday before the gun. Starting to really feel the nerves. On a side note, I talked with Brian Shea today, owner of Personal Best Nutrition, coach, great athlete and all-around good guy. He coaches Scott DeFilippis, who, among others, will be competing for the Hawaii slot in our age-group. Scott ran a 1:05 half last year and a 2:24 debut marathon. I used to race "against" him in high school, and his brother was my sister's XC coach in high school. The guy has gotten quite proficient at triathlons, and with his running skills, he's going to be a tough competitor. Can't worry about it now, but his training volume is probably double mine. Fortunately I'm pretty good on the bike these days, so I need to make hay in the event that my foot acts up.

The Countdown: Tuesday

I decided to run last night. I'm not sure why. Actually, I am. It was probably the nicest day of the year so far, and I felt obligated to run the first night of the Fort Loop. Of course, we get to the Fort and it's closed. Anyway I felt alright to run, and felt decent for the first few miles. Then somewhere on the back stretch my foot started to hurt. We were also picking it up, our group of Ben, Arjun, Kris, Spence and some other guy. By Charles Street, we were really moving. Definitely faster than I would expect to run on Sunday. I'm hoping that maybe the pace I need to run on Sunday won't be that hard.

After the run, I was not feeling great. The foot hurt pretty bad. I iced when I got home, and took another ibuprofen. I woke up today feeling worse. The foot feels better in shoes than it does barefoot, and I consulted with some people I trust and feel confident that it's nothing more than a bad case of tendinitis or a sprained foot. The suggestion is for me to lay off of it as much as I can, keep up with the ibuprofen, and just roll the dice on Sunday.

So I just hopped in the pool for a minute today, swimming an easy 1500m before heading up to the track. I was jealous I couldn't do the workout, which was 3200m tempo, 1600, 1600 (:20-:30 faster than the tempo pace), and another 3200m tempo. Big workout, 6 miles worth of hard running.

So far I've only had to amend today's run, otherwise I'm still doing everything I had planned on doing in the first place. I didn't even plan on swimming today, so that was good. Tomorrow I'm calling for a swim in the morning, and then a 30 mile ride. I'll see how I feel on that, if I don't feel good, I'll stop. I'll see how it feels Thursday, and may try and ride. Worst case I can take off til Friday but need to be running by then, even if it's not for longer.

Prognosis: If the race were today, I'd make it through, but it wouldn't be pretty.

The Countdown: Monday

At 7:00 am this Sunday I will embark on the most significant sporting challenge of my life, a half-Ironman in and around the Blackwater Wildlife Refuge in Cambridge, Maryland. Eagleman, as it's known, is one of the fastest races of its distance in the world, and one of the most competitive in the US. The course is flat, but very windy. And I mean windy. The Choptank River is also highly unpredictable. Last year had some really fast times, thanks to favorable currents. It can change from year to year and no knowing what's in store until the morning.

The bike course is so flat that you can't take off for even a second. That means 56 miles of pedaling. No hills to coast down to get your legs back, just pure pedaling. The run encompasses most of the first part of the ride, so again it's just flat and it's very boring. Temperatures can really start to get toasty by the run, and the sun is typically brutal. It's a grueling distance to race, 4+ hours of very hard effort.

Of course I know what my goal is, and really won't be satisfied with anything less. That's not to say if I don't achieve my goal that I'll be upset, just not satisfied.

Anyway, we're now just a few days away from the odyssey, and I plan on posting a little summary each day of how I'm feeling prior to the race. I have to say, I'm a little nervous right now, as my right foot is really hurting. It started on Wednesday evening after a slow and rocky run through Robert E. Lee Park. Thursday didn't feel great, and with the travel to Wisconsin and the weather, I just took off. I tried to run on Friday, it was a slow 6 miles followed by an even slower 5 miles with Sgrizzi and Kootman. Foot hurt bad. Saturday I woke up and it felt even worse. We ran a very slow 5 miles. I got home yesterday and just went to the pool. I'm taking ibuprofen a few times a day and plan on not running again until Wednesday or Thursday if need be. I'm hoping some last minute rest will be better than trying to continue to run on it.

If I had to race today, well, let's just say I don't think I would finish.

Memorial Day Weekend 2008

I knew this weekend was going to have to be big months ago. Eagleman is two weeks away, and Chima's wedding is this weekend so I'll be off my bike for a few days. I wanted to go out and have a monster weekend, but do it in a smart way so I don't kill myself. The following is the account of my Memorial Day Weekend, Friday through Monday:

Friday: Drove out to Eagleman course in the morning to meet Joe. He had the 2nd fastest bike split there last year, and 3rd fastest at Columbia last weekend. The plan was to ride the course pretty hard. The weather was alright, very chilly though - cold enough to warrant arm warmers, so about 60 degrees. Sun was shining though and I did pick up some sunburn. It's also super windy out there, which I knew already, but wasn't ready for it. We rode 20 minutes easy as a warmup, then went into an hour steady-state at a comfortably hard pace. I was riding my Cervelo with my Ksyriums instead of the Reynolds wheels, and Joe wanted to average 300 watts. After the hour we had covered 25.5 miles and Joe's average was 307. We were both pretty pleased with this. It was a hard pace, but I was able to talk the whole time. We then chilled out for about 5 minutes, and then went back into another 35 minutes. By 2 hours we were at 46 or 47 miles I think, pretty quick. We chilled out the last 30 minutes, which was still hard and I feel like we were crawling as we headed straight into the wind. We still finished the whole course in 2:30, which is an average of 22.4mph and faster than most people will ride at the race.

After the ride we headed out for a quick run. I started my watch presumably behind the line, and our first mile felt jerky. My legs were wobbly, the worst I've ever experienced, but our first mile wast still 6:30. We slowed down from there, running 7:00/mi for the next 2.25 miles or so. It was a great workout, especially just a few days after Columbia. My piriformis was not feeling great though, and the drive home was tough. I stayed in Friday night to recover for Saturday's ride.

Saturday: Woke up at 6:45, headed up to meet OJ and Benda at Meadowbrook at 8. We left to go to TriSpeed and rode with them til we got to the church. I did not feel good, as in I wasn't really up for a hard ride or to ride over 100 miles. I had just done the hardest, longest effort of my life the day before, after all. Not to mention we were heading into the wind for probably 3/4 of the ride. And it was chilly, I had my arm warmers on until at least Leone Spring I think. Maybe longer. When we got back to York, we finally had a friendly wind. The dude that was riding with us on his tri bike took off, and OJ and I just pedaled it in. I was not feeling riding hard. We still averaged 17.4mph for the ride, which, at 101 miles, is almost 6 hours in the saddle. By the end, my left knee was killing me - really stiff and I figured I shouldn't have done that much today. It was like doing a marathon the day after a half marathon race. It warmed up a little and I got burned again, and went to watch Alex race at BikeJam. Then I went out with the old roomies in Bethesda, which was fun, but I didn't get home until 1:30. Went to sleep and prepared for Sunday's ride.

Sunday: OJ comes over at 9:30, and has to fix a flat. We start going and I feel like death. He's already taking off. A few miles in he has to stop and fix something and tells me to keep going. I soft pedal for about a mile and a half before turning around and not seeing him. I rode back down 40 and find out that he has another flat. I give him a tube, and it goes flat right away. He was ready to throw in the towel, and wanted to just ride back and go for a different ride. I wasn't riding home, because I never would have gone back out. I told him to ride home on his semi-good tube, change wheels and then meet me in Bel Air. I was now riding sans tube, but didn't really care. It was a nice day out, albeit a headwind out 40, but it was sunny and I was starting to feel better. In Edgewood, the wind seemed to change routes, and as the road becomes more conducive to riding fast up to Aberdeen, I let it roll. I came across 22 into the cross, and came upon OJ. We started crushing it once we got onto 24/Rocks Rd. We let it rip for 7 or 8 miles, down into Rocks and then up out of it. I was killing it. Made it up to the gas station and stopped for lunch, I was at 56 miles. It was nice out and I figured I had 30 good miles left before going into soft pedal mode til we hit 100. Whatever road we were on is difficult for a few miles, it seems to just go uphill gradually forever, but then it rolls. And for some reason we picked up a favorable wind and again just let it go.

I couldn't believe how my legs were responding, and how good I felt. We just killed it, all the way down to Hydes. We got some dirty hose water at the church and then dropped into Loch Raven. I crushed it up that hill and out into Towson. We were over 80, so I was ready to call it a day, but he kept pressing, and then we rode some other good roads and just kept stepping on it. We crushed the Princeton hill, then Bellmore, before finally cooling down through town. We had to add on a little to get him over 100, but all in all it was a great ride - 104 miles, 17.4 average. Another 6 hours in the saddle, and it felt like it took all day. I was mostly amazed that I was able to come back after the Friday ride to ride 101 yesterday, and THEN to come back today and ride 2 miles fewer than my longest ever? Insanity. I felt better today but was burned and dehydrated. Had a good bbq at night at Claire's and then went to sleep. Monday would be no 100 mile day for me.

Monday: The originaly OJ plan was to ride another 100. No point. I was okay with 40-50 to get over 300, but I woke up and didn't feel up to it, so I didn't. I didn't do anything. It was the nicest day of the weekend and I sat around. Went to Kip's pool for a little, which was ice cold, and then to FHR. I thought I was going to crush it, boy was I wrong. We did Shady 7 aka Gwynns Falls, and I could hardly move. I was getting dropped and was not happy. And oddly enough, I know it was a holiday but town felt empty. The Harbor was crowded I bet, with the game and all, but there were no cars anywhere. And it was warm and had that summer sun. In fact, this whole weekend was quiet. Friday, Saturday and Sunday were quiet rides on fairly empty roads. Nobody is driving cause of gas prices I bet.

Ultimately I put in 261 miles in 3 days, which surpasses last Memorial Day by 46 miles. I may do 30-40 on Wednesday to try and get to 300, but am not hellbent on it. Tonight's track workout was harder than it should have been, and while I feel strong, I also feel very tired. 14.5 hours on the bike in 3 days will do that to you.

Columbia Triathlon 2008

The following is my week-after-the-fact race report from the 2008 Columbia Triathlon. As the long history below explains, this is a race that I love/hate. I don't feel like I've ever raced up to my potential here, and needed this year to go well. I knew this was going to be a sick year, with some top shelf pros showing up and some stiff "elite amateur" competition. This was confirmed when I showed up to registration on Saturday and found that my number was 63 (usually it's below 30).

I came home after doing my stuff and stayed up a little later than I normally would before the race. My room was quite warm and I had my windows open. The worst part about this race, other than never knowing what the weather will do, is that it's the day after Preakness. So of course our loud neighbors were all out partying after the horse race. They were loud, and I don't mean kind of loud, I mean off the charts loud, from about midnight when I went to bed until 4 when I woke up. I barely got any sleep. Even at 4:30 when I went to my car, there were still 2 people outside. I hate them.

I wasn't going to let it bother me, though, because as I went outside I was greeted by semi-warmth, and knew at the very least it wouldn't be cold. This was great. When I got there at 5:20 (the latest I've gotten there in years and it was already super crowded) I found OJ and we went to warm up. The sun was coming up and at this point I nearly shed a tear because I knew it wouldn't rain on my race at least. I felt awesome warming up, really bouncy and excited to be racing.

The Open wave goes off 5 minutes after the pros. This year's Open division was the most stacked I've ever seen it, and there must have been 40 people in the water. It was a big field. For this reason, I wasn't totally surprised that I was keeping up with people in the water. I figured that maybe some people that suck somehow landed in the Open wave and that I was doing terrible, OR that I was actually doing very well. Fortunately, it turned out to be the latter. I was swimming incredibly straight lines from buoy to buoy, keeping my effort at "comfortable" and passing people the whole time. On the last buoy I took a great line and passed a group of four. I came out of the water and saw 22:15 or so on the clock (22:23 at the mat) and was really psyched. This was close to a PR, and was almost 3 minutes faster than last year. When you come out of the water with people, it changes the dynamic of the race.

So I take my time in transition, put socks on, my road shoes, and headed out on my new TT bike, my Cervelo P2C (I need some pics of it). I passed a few of the women who swam faster than me, and settled in. One guy and I kept trading positions, which was really good for me because I had someone to key off of, without drafting. He was flying on the downhills but I would smash past him on the myriad uphills. I don't have a computer on this bike yet, so I didn't know how fast I went, but when I got back into transition, I saw the time of day on my watch and knew I had to be around 1:05:00. Turns out I rode 1:04:44, an average speed of 23.5 mph and the 13th fastest split of the day, including all the pros. This also represented a decrease of time from last year (and a PR) of about 5:20. Unbelievable. I also passed Desiree Ficker, a Maryland native who resides in Austin and finished 2nd at Hawaii a few years back. She started 5 minutes ahead so I was psyched.

Now it's time for the run, and I am amped. I charge out onto the course, but the new position on the bike and the effort I just put in made it tough for me to get going. I hit the mile in about 6:13, so 10 seconds faster than last year, but way off from what I thought I would do. Desiree went past around mile 2, and I stuck with her and we caught two others, including another female pro. I was very pleased with how I ran through the neighborhood, which is usually where I lose it. I was running the tangents quite well, and got back into the park with some momentum. Of course, the Gatorade Wall dealt the death blow, and I had to recover with 3/4 to go. At that moment, a pro woman went flying by, followed by Desiree again. I managed to catch her just before the finish, but figured I had 5 minutes on her in real time, so I didn't need to pass her. Plus she did the Blazeman roll across the line (which is really annoying).

My time for the run was 38:17, surprisingly another PR, which gave me the 29th fastest run of the day. That's the first time my bike rank has been better than my run rank in a legitimate race. Scary! It also helped me get under 2:10, as I finished in 2:08:40, a new PR by 8 minutes and almost 9 faster than last year. My overall place was 27th, I guess 15th if you discounted the pro field that finished ahead of me. I'm really pleased with that. If I had run a little better I would have finished in the top 20. In 2002 I finished 30th with a 2:16:40. Amazing where this race has come.

So I then spent the rest of the day catching up with some friends that showed up for the race, including Larry the Slug, Lisa (all the way from San Fran), Sara Spears, Kip, Shane and Steve. We watched Mike Prada finish his 10k leg of the relay, and then got a total surprise when my parents showed up. They had just gotten back from Mexico late the night before, went to bed at 1, woke up at 4 and drove all the way down to MD - to not even see me. It was a nice gesture, as they'll be missing Eagleman and NJ State Tri this year. OJ also had a great race, going just over 2:07 - which was a lot better than I think even he felt he would do.

On the pro side, here are some of the highlights: new course record by a minute, Chris Lieto, who also set the bike course record by 2 minutes (56:34). Andrew Yoder (19 years old) set a junior record, doing 1:54 or something insane, with a 58:30 bike split. New swim course record was set at 15:47 or something, and new run course record set by Derek Treadwell at 32:04. Crazy! That's 1:20 faster than the previous record. Apparently Chris McCormack and a few others got sent off course on the bike, which affected their races negatively, and there was also a medivac incident later in the morning that affected some people. For the women, Rebecca Wassner set a new course record at 2:04 - yeah - which means I assume she also picked up CRs on the bike and run. I think Denise Knickman still had the run course record at 38:17 maybe?

All in all it was a great day, the race of my life and I've never been as excited about a performance. Makes the task of Eagleman a little easier to stomach. It started raining while we waited ALL day for Mike to get his crappy award, which I'll never wait for again, but it was cool to watch the pros get their awards. This is really a big deal of a race now. I felt great afterwards and we went bowling in the afternoon, followed by pizza and T&F on tv.

And as much as I've said, "I just want one good race there and I'll stop doing it" - I feel like I will keep doing it. It's a backyard race and I know I have a faster time in me. I see myself getting into the low 20s in the water, 1:01-1:02 on the bike (keeping in mind this was only the fourth time I've even ridden the bike) and 36 on the run. If I can do that, it'll be damn near 2:00. Oh, and I finished before 9 o'clock, a huge deal for me.

Columbia Triathlon: A History

Love/Hate: this sums up my feelings toward the Columbia Triathlon.

Indulge me as I provide a lengthy history of me and the sport. I was in 8th grade when I first learned of triathlon. I had heard of an event called Ironman that was a 2.4 mile swim, 112 mile bike and 26.2 mile run. Since these distances were inconceivable to me at that age, I thought it was a piece of cake. The following year I began running cross country at my high school, and I was absolutely awful. I could barely run a few miles. At this point I also did not have, nor did I ride, a bike, and I knew how to swim, but was not a swimmer. As I entered my senior year, and decided to attend the University of Maryland, I discovered they had a Multisport (aka Triathlon) Club team. I got in touch with a guy by the name of Peter Hibbs, and let him know that I was interested in the club. I told him that I was going out for the cross country team, but if it didn't work out, that I would be joining them for workouts.

I wound up making the team, and while it was great, I felt like I needed to do my own thing. I started to swim for ancillary workouts, and met most of the folks in the club. There were some real characters. Dzul, who was super smart, his wife Courtney, who was super hot and swam on the varsity team or something; Peter Hibbs, a laid back California grad student who introduced triathlon to UM, his wife Malin, a gorgeous Swede with enormous talent; Lisa, an accounting major; Larry "The Slug" Rutledge, a seemingly random old guy amidst younger folk; Tri-guy Tommy, an anally talented athlete. There were a few others, but this was the crew. When I later decided to end my affiliation with varsity sports in 2001, it was an easy adjustment to begin my triathlon training.

First of all, I was coming off of 80+ mile weeks, so dropping to 50-60 felt awesome and I was one of the fastest runners at any given triathlon. Second, I was swimming enough to get by, and started doing the morning workouts with the group. Third, I was...wait, I didn't have a bike! I wound up spending $1500 on a Trek 2200 - an aluminum bike with Shimano 105 components. It was yellow and it was awesome. I got it in March, just enough time to start riding before the 2001 Columbia Triathlon. I rode a few times a week with Tom Stott, and we must have looked like clowns. Riding our hardest every day for up to 30 mile rides, I felt I could average 20mph at Columbia, run under 40 minutes and swim maybe 25 minutes.

May 20, 2001: My first triathlon. Columbia was a beast. Still is. Always will be. It's always the third week of May, which might lead you to believe it would be warm, but it never is. Some freak cold front and/or storm blows through that weekend and shatters competitors' hopes and dreams of a good race. I borrowed Larry's wetsuit, a sleeveless named "Old Blue" and hopped in the water for my 6:45 a.m. start (they started the 15-19 year olds first back then). I had never swam in open water before, so as soon as I went horizontal and put my face in the water, I freaked out. I considered swimming out of the lake, I was so scared. I eventually started swimming breast stroke, then freestyle (head out of water) and finally sucked it up and started really swimming. I made a good comeback, and got out of the water in 24:20. Onto the bike, and I started pedaling my heart out. I did manage 20mph (1:14:49) and then got onto the run, where my run legs were strong and I ran a 39 something, finishing in 2:23:40. Of all the people competing in their first every triathlon, I was the 2nd best that day (156th overall). More importantly, all of my friends dragged themselves out of bed very, very early on a Sunday morning during finals week to come watch.

I did a few more races in 2001, small ones, mostly, before heading to Australia in the summer. While I was there I intended on becoming amazing. That didn't happen. I did get better, but I was hurt for a large part of the time I was there. I did do the Noosa Triathlon in November, which was totally amazing. I also met Chris McCormack there, and Stuart O'Grady, two of my favorite athletes.

2002 was supposed to be a big year. I was determined to crush every race I did, including Columbia.

May 19, 2002: Columbia again rears its ugly face. I went into the race supremely confident in my improvements. I now had a new wetsuit (Orca Predator) that I got in New Zealand, and I wound up swimming 23:05. On the bike, I was over 21mph at 1:11 something, and I blazed the run in 38:33 I think. Overall time was something like 2:16high or 2:17low. 30th place. Again, all my friends were there to watch. I made it my mission to train to win this race one day, and 2003 was all about top 5.

May 18, 2003: I was in the best shape of my life. Just a few weeks prior, I finished in a 10k PR of 34:08 at Pike's Peek, and a week after that finished 7th at a sprint in Salisbury. The weather that entire spring had been very wet, and sure enough when I woke up at 4 am on Sunday, after taking 3 finals the day before, it was 40 degrees and pouring. I was again entered in the open division, which is a category designed for athletes wishing to compete head to head against other top athletes rather than in their respective age group. The other benefit is that you start first, out of the way of everyone else. I've never not race first at Columbia; I have seen the massive packs on the bike that make it annoying to pass. Back to the race. Water temp was 61, so it was much warmer than the air, but still very cold. Open division was pretty small this year, so when I came out of the water in a PR 22:13, there weren't many people around. I was just wearing my neon green speedo and I was freezing. I couldn't go any faster on the bike, and wound up riding a disappointing 1:12 something, before getting onto the run and jogging with one of the women's competitors. I ran 44 minutes, my slowest ever 10k. It was the worst conditions I'd ever raced in, and I finished in a miserable 2:21.

After Columbia, my resolve was even stronger to race well and earn my pro card. I needed (at the time) three top 10 finishes. Piece of cake, I thought. Well I didn't race again in June or July, at least not that I can remember, and then on August 1, 2003, I broke my ankle and tore all the ligaments in my foot. It was a huge blow, to say the least. When I could finally walk normal again, I hated to run because of how much it hurt, and I wasn't in any kind of shape to race. I tried to get back into it, finally racing again in November of 2004. I did the Manasquan Turkey Trot (5 miles) and ran 30:03, which I was actually pretty pleased with. I then got back out of shape, and furiously scrambled to get back into it in 2005. I did two 5 milers within weeks of each other; the first in 31:40 or something, the next in 30:30. Then I moved to Baltimore.

Coming to Baltimore was the life-change I needed, at the time I needed it. I began running with the Federal Hill Runners on Monday nights, as well as my friends from college who also lived here. I was getting in pretty good shape. I started riding on Thursdays at Race Pace in Owings Mills, and despite totally blowing up on the first ride I did with them, I scrapped into amazing shape on the bike. In September I went to the Lancaster Triathlon, a favorite event of mine, and did the bike and run legs of the relay with Lisa as my swimmer. I killed it on both. I was finally back. I signed up shortly after for Columbia 2006 and made that my goal.

May 21, 2006: It was a weird feeling, to be back. I've trained here so many times, and even though I've only done the race three times, it felt like home. I thought I was in decent shape, so again I entered the Open division. Pro Matt Reed, along with some other fairly big names, were in attendance. I had not been swimming at all but my riding and running were good. I came out of the water in a disgusting 26:3o or something. I rode somewhere around 1:11. I ran 40:11. Total time was about 2:23, I think barely faster than the first year I did it. And a few friends were there again to witness my misery. In fairness, the weather was not great, as expected.

I used the rest of that year to really kickstart my fitness. We began Tuesday Night Track and I was getting faster again. I was rocking and rolling with the Thursday Night Ride, and I had met the winner of the 2001 Columbia Triathlon, OJ Keller, and started training with him. For me, this was pretty big, because OJ was the guy back a few years. Won everything he did, one of the most fierce competitors I know. I did about 20 races that year, including the inaugural NJ State Tri (where I did pretty well) and Lancaster, where, despite a terrible swim, I finished 7th overall. I finished the season with a small sprint in NJ and took 5th or something there.

May 20, 2007: Back again, fifth time's the charm. Another cold and cloudy day with some rain. Not psyched at all. I was swimming more this year, and it showed as I at least reclaimed some time in the water (25:04). I rode marginally better (still riding my road bike) with a 1:10:04. I ran a 38:57, and was pretty pleased with that. I got back within PR territory, going 1:17:21. The race was becoming more and more competitive.

Last year I did about 18 real races, including 7 triathlons. My best finish was 5th at Endless Summer, but my best race was probably the NJ Tri. I suffered a significant injury in August (a bad month for me) and that took me a while to work through. I committed for 2008 to race more early in the season and head into Columbia with more racing under me, but my real goal was for Eagleman, a half Ironman, and to try and qualify for Hawaii. I want to do 26 races this year, one for every year of my age, and 8 triathlons (8 in 08). I also need to race a marathon in under 2:40 so I can beat OJ's debut time.

Girl You Know It's True

When you hear this phrase, get ready to run:

"Tell me honestly, do you think I'm fat?"

It doesn't matter who asks you this, or how you respond. Guys, you will lose every time. Pretend this is a Choose Your Own Adventure book, and take a walk with me down the many paths one can take.

Scenario 1: The guy's response is enthusiastic and strong. "WHAT?! No, of course you're not fat. Who told you that? You're perfect."

WRONG. There is no such thing as perfect, and while they will tell you they are perfect, girls know that perfect doesn't exist (even Walgreen's admits this). By saying that they are perfect, you're lying. You lose. Girls 1, Guys 0.

Scenario 2: The guy's response is subtle, but firm. "No, you're not fat, that's crazy talk. You look great."

NOPE. Now they realize you are just patronizing them. They understand that taking a low key approach will help you transition into changing the subject. Again, you lose. 2-Love, adv Girls.

Scenario 3: My personal favorite. The guy acts in complete shock and comes with this: "What? That's retarded. Who says you need to be skinny...."

OUCH. That was the worst possible thing you could ever have said. Ever. Yeah, we all know that there are worse things out there than having "more to love" - oh, who am I kidding, no there aren't. Let's be honest, society pressures girls into being thin, and that is 80% of the hotness equation. Game, set and match go to the girls.

So you see fellas, anyway the cookie crumbles, we're fighting a losing battle when the uber-sensitive subject of weight comes into play. Your best bet is to avoid the subject altogether, if you can. I wouldn't suggest saying "yeah you're fat, but I love you that way." Even if your gal is pretty lighthearted it will end in your funeral. If it's possible, bring up another girl who is around and criticize her. This will help make your shorty feel better about herself, and help the two of you bond on a deeper level.

Bubble Gum Willy

A.K.A. Bazooka Joe.

This pearl of a story comes straight from the annals of the P-Files, which means it is verified by credible sources, and no embellishment is necessary.

The setting: Bar/club in Nassau County, Long Island

The scenario: 3 friends head up to LI to hang out with their old roommate, Greg, who is back in town for a minute.

What happened that night stays in this room. Or in our case, everyone in the world now has access to this story. Joe, in typical weekend form, has found himself a birthday girl. It doesn't happen often, but there are a few reasons that girls, rather than guys, will be on a mission for ass. Bachelorette parties, 21st birthday, Just Broke Up, I'm Not Pregnant! and 30th birthdays if you're single. This birthday girl was turning 30, and her mission was tame - she just wanted to make out with someone. She made her intent clear, and Joe had positioned himself well. Greg, however, starts to try and play a hand and get involved, after all monopolies are illegal; America thrives on competition. Eventually Joe wins out, and the girl takes him out of the bar...

They are now in a very narrow alley next to the bar, and to Joe's amazement she drops down and assists with some love kissing. In other words, she dropped down in this filthy alley, dropped his pants and went to town on his wang. The chick's giving him a beej, and Joe isn't complaining. Two guys walk by, and Joe asks her if she wants to stop for a second. No response, doesn't even hesitate. Without looking back she continues to slob on his knob like corn on the cob.

The act finally complete, Joe pulls up his pants and the two return to the bar. Now the remainder of our posse had been wondering where Joe disappeared to, so when he comes in with a sly devil grin on his face, they prepared themselves mentally for the story that they knew he had. The only problem is, Joe was hammered, and they needed to get the story quickly before he forgot it. They roll out of the bar and he recalls the encounter, but then he's scratching at his groin area and complaining that it's itchy. Could he have picked up an instantaneous STD?

He looks down and can't figure out what the substance is, but he knows that something is caught in his leg/groin hairs...

The mysterious substance is bubble gum.

Obviously our Jane Doe had been chewing on the gum while chomping on Joe's member, and it came out - whether incidentally or accidentally we're not sure - but it become stuck in Joe's leg/groin hair. Our theories are that she either took it out to start sucking and just stuck it there, or it fell out of her mouth. Crazy. In order to get it out, Joe wound up having to shave that part of his leg, which must have looked pretty funny.

After this occurrence, Joe earned himself the nom de plume of Bazooka Joe.

Next time I'll have to tell you about Tanto and the Lone Ranger...Heigh Ho Silver, Awaaaayyyy!

Some names may have been changed to protect the innocent. It doesn't mean the shit didn't happen, cause I said it did. And I don't make shit like this up, you fags.