Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Girl You Know It's True

When you hear this phrase, get ready to run:

"Tell me honestly, do you think I'm fat?"

It doesn't matter who asks you this, or how you respond. Guys, you will lose every time. Pretend this is a Choose Your Own Adventure book, and take a walk with me down the many paths one can take.

Scenario 1: The guy's response is enthusiastic and strong. "WHAT?! No, of course you're not fat. Who told you that? You're perfect."

WRONG. There is no such thing as perfect, and while they will tell you they are perfect, girls know that perfect doesn't exist (even Walgreen's admits this). By saying that they are perfect, you're lying. You lose. Girls 1, Guys 0.

Scenario 2: The guy's response is subtle, but firm. "No, you're not fat, that's crazy talk. You look great."

NOPE. Now they realize you are just patronizing them. They understand that taking a low key approach will help you transition into changing the subject. Again, you lose. 2-Love, adv Girls.

Scenario 3: My personal favorite. The guy acts in complete shock and comes with this: "What? That's retarded. Who says you need to be skinny...."

OUCH. That was the worst possible thing you could ever have said. Ever. Yeah, we all know that there are worse things out there than having "more to love" - oh, who am I kidding, no there aren't. Let's be honest, society pressures girls into being thin, and that is 80% of the hotness equation. Game, set and match go to the girls.

So you see fellas, anyway the cookie crumbles, we're fighting a losing battle when the uber-sensitive subject of weight comes into play. Your best bet is to avoid the subject altogether, if you can. I wouldn't suggest saying "yeah you're fat, but I love you that way." Even if your gal is pretty lighthearted it will end in your funeral. If it's possible, bring up another girl who is around and criticize her. This will help make your shorty feel better about herself, and help the two of you bond on a deeper level.
Bubble Gum Willy

A.K.A. Bazooka Joe.

This pearl of a story comes straight from the annals of the P-Files, which means it is verified by credible sources, and no embellishment is necessary.

The setting: Bar/club in Nassau County, Long Island

The scenario: 3 friends head up to LI to hang out with their old roommate, Greg, who is back in town for a minute.

What happened that night stays in this room. Or in our case, everyone in the world now has access to this story. Joe, in typical weekend form, has found himself a birthday girl. It doesn't happen often, but there are a few reasons that girls, rather than guys, will be on a mission for ass. Bachelorette parties, 21st birthday, Just Broke Up, I'm Not Pregnant! and 30th birthdays if you're single. This birthday girl was turning 30, and her mission was tame - she just wanted to make out with someone. She made her intent clear, and Joe had positioned himself well. Greg, however, starts to try and play a hand and get involved, after all monopolies are illegal; America thrives on competition. Eventually Joe wins out, and the girl takes him out of the bar...

They are now in a very narrow alley next to the bar, and to Joe's amazement she drops down and assists with some love kissing. In other words, she dropped down in this filthy alley, dropped his pants and went to town on his wang. The chick's giving him a beej, and Joe isn't complaining. Two guys walk by, and Joe asks her if she wants to stop for a second. No response, doesn't even hesitate. Without looking back she continues to slob on his knob like corn on the cob.

The act finally complete, Joe pulls up his pants and the two return to the bar. Now the remainder of our posse had been wondering where Joe disappeared to, so when he comes in with a sly devil grin on his face, they prepared themselves mentally for the story that they knew he had. The only problem is, Joe was hammered, and they needed to get the story quickly before he forgot it. They roll out of the bar and he recalls the encounter, but then he's scratching at his groin area and complaining that it's itchy. Could he have picked up an instantaneous STD?

He looks down and can't figure out what the substance is, but he knows that something is caught in his leg/groin hairs...

The mysterious substance is bubble gum.

Obviously our Jane Doe had been chewing on the gum while chomping on Joe's member, and it came out - whether incidentally or accidentally we're not sure - but it become stuck in Joe's leg/groin hair. Our theories are that she either took it out to start sucking and just stuck it there, or it fell out of her mouth. Crazy. In order to get it out, Joe wound up having to shave that part of his leg, which must have looked pretty funny.

After this occurrence, Joe earned himself the nom de plume of Bazooka Joe.

Next time I'll have to tell you about Tanto and the Lone Ranger...Heigh Ho Silver, Awaaaayyyy!

Some names may have been changed to protect the innocent. It doesn't mean the shit didn't happen, cause I said it did. And I don't make shit like this up, you fags.